Pete’s blog

Happy New Year everyone. I’m back to the old tradition of the very unweekly email, it has been so long since the last one. I have one half finished mail still waiting from last month, hopefully you’ll get that one soon – it is the third in the series about choosing your governments.
But this mail is on a much more personal note - what do you do if someone you care about loses their way and ends up in a deep, dark hole? I have been meaning to write it for a while, it was from my experiences of ‘being here’ for a close friend who has been through a very rough patch… but now I really need to write it, because I have just realised that another close friend was ‘being here’ for me too. So this email is being written from both sides of the deep, dark hole.
So what do you do? How do you get them out of that hole? Firstly, whatever you do, do not follow them down into the hole, do not go to where they are, do not try and lead them out, do not try and drag them out, do not sit next to them in the dark. There is one time and one time only when you can actively go to them and lead them out – this is when they specifically ask you to. It does not matter if you’ve been down the same hole yourself and know the way out, it does not matter if you have a map with the route clearly marked, it does not matter how good your intentions or how much you care for the person. If you do, one of the following is going to happen:

• You might lose your way yourself in the dark. Now there are 2 of you stuck and you are no help to each other.
• If you go down into someone else’s hole, you are giving up your own sunshine. It is far easier to help someone and stay positive when you are standing in the light.
• If the person is lonely in their hole and you go to them, then you are only going to make them happy in their hole, because now they have company in the dark and will not want to leave.
• If the person is hurt and afraid and you try to go to them, they might flee in fear from you deeper into their hole.
• If you do find the person and lead them out, they will probably not learn the way out themselves, and in no time at all will be lost down the same hole again.

And understand that directions out will hardly ever work – they are lost, confused and in the dark. What might seem obvious in the light of day, is not so clear in the dark.
So what do you do? You have a choice, you can leave them there or you can try and help them out. If you leave them there, they will probably figure their way out eventually … but they might also never make it out. I warn you, helping them out of the hole will not be an easy task – the deeper the hole, the harder it is going to be on you. So choose carefully, how important is this person to you? How much time are you willing and able to give? It is worth it, because if everything goes well, you will have a friend for life, someone who would in future be willing to help you out of whatever hole you find yourself in.
So you want to help them out? First you have to know why you are willing to do this, why is this person important to you. Next have a look around you and at yourself – know where you are and who you are. Know this place, always know how to get back to this place, because you are going to need to be right here as hard as you can. By being here, you have somewhere to lead your friend and your friend has somewhere to go. This is the essence of what it means to be here for someone. It means to always be yourself, to hold onto who you are and to find your own caves to explore, instead of always being stuck in other people’s. In cliché terms, you are being a guiding light, a rock to cling to, the calm in the storm. If you be here, your lost friends will always know where to look for you and where to find you.
But understand that ‘here’ is not a static spot, ‘here’ is where you are. So the first thing is to keep reminding your friend where ‘here’ is (not telling them go to ‘here’). Call to them and visit them and tell them where you are.
The first step in the dark for your friend is going to be one of the hardest – not knowing which way is out and what lies ahead of them. Be patient with them and offer them encouragement. If you are being here for them, letting them know where here is, they will at least have a better idea of which way to go. Once they are moving, it is going to take even more patience and control. They might head in the wrong direction or suddenly stop and head backwards. You have to be strong and do not do any of the things I warned you about at the beginning, just keep on being here. Trust me, it can be very hard not to shout at them “You’re going the wrong way! Turn around!” Just be patient and keep on letting them know where ‘here’ is.
With all my earlier dire warnings, understand that I am not saying leave them alone and don’t help them at all. You should offer them as much help, support and encouragement as you can (I never said you shouldn’t). Just be careful about forcing help on them and scaring them away from you. And I am going to give you an exception to the rule about giving directions (because there is always an exception). If your friend is heading for a ravine, you have to say something. I’m not talking a small drop which will hurt, but they will survive (have the bandages and plasters ready at the bottom of those), but a deadly ravine from which they will not return. If you see your friend heading for one of those, stand in front of them, warn them, stop them, tell them to turn around, yell at them, do whatever it takes. And if all that fails, get ready to catch them just as they step over the edge. Unfortunately judging when to intervene can be a very difficult decision, because on the way out, they will often walk on the very edge of ravines and never fall in. You have to watch them carefully and only intervene when they are definitely going to walk off.
Once they have found their way to the exit of the cave and are about to step into the sunlight, you will have one last test of your strength and patience. Getting to the end, your friend might close their eyes to the harsh sunlight, turn around and head back into the cave. Do not run after them, do not chase them, do not shout “Come back!”. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing all along, just keep being here. When their eyes have adjusted properly, they will come out again. And don’t forget, some people prefer the dark.

So I dedicate this post to good friends and always being here for them.